Why Change is Hard and How to Make It Happen
Change is hard. We've all been there; full of motivation one moment, only to find ourselves back in old habits the next. In this article, I explore why change is so challenging, drawing on personal experiences and psychological insights. I'll also share practical strategies to help you overcome these obstacles and make lasting changes in your life.
Knowing you want to change something is the easy bit. Following through is hard.
I know this from my own experience. As I discussed in my review of Atomic Habits (Read more: Further Reading: Atomic Habits), I often come up with ideas to improve my life but struggle to see them through. I’ve mentioned my difficulties in starting a regular jogging routine that lasts more than a couple of days, but it’s not limited to that. In the last few months alone I have decided I will:
Start meditating
Play more sport
Spend less time on my phone
Join a band
Eat more healthily
Visit old friends more often
Start doing weights
Go swimming
Use my evenings better
All great changes that I feel particularly motivated by at the time of thinking of them, but all changes I have failed to follow through on.
But, thankfully, there are also changes I have managed to follow through on. Most obviously my transition of leaving the corporate world to follow my dream of becoming a Stress Management Coach, but also my improved bedtime routine to better manage my sleep hygiene, going on more walks, reading more books, journaling, and re-starting counselling. I have also overcome some deeply challenging ingrained personal issues, and managed to make enormous steps to overcoming burnout, depression, and anxiety.
So why have I struggled to make some particularly appealing improvements to my life, and what was different on the few occasions I did make a change?
To look at why we find change so difficult, we firstly have to understand how the brain works. And I’m going to do that by looking at a park near my house:
Above is a photo of a park that I have to walk through on the way from my house to the city centre. It has concrete paths running around the outside, and a large grass patch in the middle. The path to the left in the photo runs alongside the River Avon, and around halfway down there is a 100-year-old bridge crossing over it.
18 months ago work began on the bridge due to concerns over its stability. The subsequent work has taken away much of the main walkway around the edge of the park, forcing people to cut through the grass in the middle. At one time the grass was the same length all over, but over the next year-and-a-half, a new, human-trodden footpath has emerged, snaking through the middle of the park. You can see it in the photo, slightly browned, firstly going straight, then curving to the left, then curving back to the right.
But why does the path curve from one way to the other, when the start point and destination can be reached by walking in a perfectly straight line?
Maybe the first person to approach the grass had no idea where they were going. They thought they could go left, but realised they couldn’t, so curved back right again. If they could do it again, they’d have walked straight. But they didn’t, and behind them they left a curved, downtrodden path behind them.
The next person to approach the grass now saw an ever-so-slightly downtrodden path through the grass. They didn’t know the first person curved back and forth due to not knowing the way, and with the grass still so long, they probably didn’t even really realise the path was snaking quite so much. But, seeing a previously walked path, they follow it too.
When the third person arrived, they saw the path is more downtrodden. They walked it too. So too do the fourth, fifth and sixth people, until eventually, the path that curves because the first person to walk it didn’t know where they were going has simply become The Way. The more people follow it, the more people think it’s the only way to go. Even now, when I approach that path knowing it isn’t the quickest way from A to B, I still follow it rather than walk in a straight line through longer grass.
Our brains work similarly. When we first encounter a situation, we respond based on our limited experience. If we find we are feeling down, we might pick up our phone and scroll through social media, because it provides us with a dopamine hit. If we are feeling stressed, maybe we try and push through and ignore it is there. But as we repeat that action over and over again, soon our brains become programmed to doing it that way every single time, without us even realising. In essence, our brains start to see them as habits to follow almost unconsciously. We experience down moments, we pick up our phone to look at social media. We feel stressed, we muddle through it. These are our neural pathways kicking into gear.
“Our brains work similarly. When we first encounter a situation, we respond based on our limited experience (…) But as we repeat that action over and over again, soon our brains become programmed to doing it that way every single time, without us even realising. In essence, our brains start to see them as habits to follow almost unconsciously.”
This is why making changes to your life can feel so difficult. Maybe you want to find a new job, or find a new hobby, or start an exercise regime. But what you are really trying to do is re-program your brain to respond to familiar situations in a way it has almost no experience of doing. The reason it feels so hard is because you are almost fighting against yourself.
So if this is true, how can you actually make changes to your life?
To make changes to your life that go completely against the routines and habits you have subconsciously programmed your mind to default to every single time, let’s return to the snaking path through the grass.
If you find yourself at the edge of the park, looking at a curving path but wanting to walk in the straightest way possible, what would you do? You would:
Look at the destination. There’s no point in trying to walk in a straight line if you don’t know where you’re going. Otherwise, how do you even know the route you are taking is straight?
Be prepared. The downtrodden path has short grass that’s easy to walk over. The straight path has never been walked before. The grass is long, wet, and hard to cut through. Do you have the right shoes to walk through? Are you wearing clothes that can get wet or muddy on this untravelled path? If not, what do you need to do differently?
Be flexible. This route has never been walked before. What if there’s something in the way? Will you be ready to walk around it? Ultimately, does it matter if the path isn’t perfectly straight if it still gets you from A to B much quicker?
Be committed. The quickest route from A to B doesn’t involve starting to walk through the long, wet grass, only to give up and start walking along the old curving path again. It will involve keep walking even when it feels difficult. How will you manage to keep going?
Start walking! It sounds simple, but you’re only going to find a straight route by start walking in a straight line. If you start to follow the old, curved path, you’re already going the wrong way. Admit to yourself you are doing something new, commit to it, and follow through. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
Do it again. There’s no point in walking in a straight line once, and then returning to the curved path afterwards. Every time you walk through the park, take the new path.
The good news is it will eventually become easier. Your first route through the grass will probably do little more than push it to the side a little. But with every additional walk through it, the grass gets shorter, and shorter, and shorter. Soon, you’ll find others take your new path rather than the old one. The old, curved path will eventually grow over, and your new, straight path becomes The Way. Next thing you know, you find yourself walking through the new path without even remembering you used to walk a different way.
“The good news is it will eventually become easier. (…) The old, curved path will eventually grow over, and your new, straight path becomes The Way. Next thing you know, you find yourself walking through the new path without even remembering you used to walk a different way.”
So if you want to make changes but are finding it hard to do so, ask yourself these questions:
Do I know where I want to go?
Am I ready to make changes?
How will I overcome my barriers?
How will I keep going when it feels difficult?
Am I ready to take the first step?
How will I make sure I keep going?
This is where coaching can be so immensely valuable. It’s certainly possible to make changes without a coach, but a coach can help with so many of these questions. A coach can help you identify the destination, help you sense check it, and then be a point of accountability along the way. They can help you identify potential barriers and strategies for overcoming them. Put simply, they can help you take your curved path, and start going from A to B in a straight line instead. This is why I’m offering 25% off any sessions booked before January 31st. Making changes to our lives can be difficult, and I want to lower the barriers to getting help to do exactly that.
So if you’re finding it hard to make changes, know that you aren’t alone. It is hard. We’re programmed for it to be hard. But it is also possible. Change is challenging, but with the right approach and support, it is achievable. If you need help navigating your path to change, I'm here to support you.
Three Top Takeaways:
Change is hard. Don’t beat yourself up if you find it difficult to change. Change is hard for everyone! Know that you’re almost going to be fighting against yourself, and be prepared for battle. You can do this!
Commit to the journey. Be prepared to reprogram your brain and create new, healthier habits. From setting clear goals to staying committed, these strategies will guide you through the process.
Coaching can help. Understand how a coach can support you in your journey, providing accountability, guidance, and strategies to help you achieve your goals.
Ready to make a change? Book your free, no obligation Discovery Call using this link today!